Be open about assisted reproduction – or not?
Farmen couple Lene Sleperud and Tonje Frøystad Garvik want to shed the shame and taboos associated with assisted reproduction. That's why they are open about their own process with IVF. “We hope our story can help others,” the couple say.
When Lene and Tonje were in the middle of the trial process with hormone injections, egg retrieval, and egg implantation, other people's stories were a great support for them, especially when everything didn't go smoothly.
– The stories created a kind of belonging, even though we didn't know the voices behind them. Just knowing that others were in a similar situation became a form of support. We felt we were not alone, says Lene.
After Lene and Tonje began talking about the ups and downs they experienced during the IVF process, others have also opened up to them.
– We have received an incredible number of messages. Both people we know – and don't know – are telling us about their own challenges. Even close relatives of ours, who we had no idea were going through much of the same thing, says Tonje, a little surprised.
With more openness, it becomes easier to talk about – and ask about – assisted reproduction and involuntary childlessness.
Taboo, shame and prejudice
Tonje points out that many people hide the fact that they are struggling to have children, because the topic is both taboo and shameful. Even though 1 in 8 heterosexual couples are in the same situationThere are probably many people who are not aware of this.
– Every 8th person you see on the street is struggling to have children. So it's the most natural thing in the world to struggle with! she exclaims with a resigned expression.
But they didn't know that themselves when they contacted Medicus in 2019 to take a fertility test. Not even when the test results showed that Lene had mildly impaired ovarian function.
– I myself felt ashamed of not being able to do it after the first test tube attempt. “Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I do it when everyone around me can do it?” Lene thought.
The truth is that “everyone else” can’t do it. Many couples struggle to have children. The problem is that "nobody" knows that, because few people talk about it.
– There is an incredible amount of taboo associated with this. I think most people are alone in their thoughts and feel lonely. And it is often only afterwards, when you get it out of your head and dare to talk about it. that, that you realize you are not alone. What is so sad about it is that you often get the sense of community long after "You really needed it," says Tonje.
– No one is good or bad at getting pregnant
When trying doesn't yield the desired results, it's common for negative thoughts about yourself to creep in. Both when trying naturally and with help. This is something The fertility coach at Medicus, Mari Heger, talks a lot about – both in conversations with patients and on his Instagram account.
She points out that we often think that “there’s something wrong with me”, that “I’m different”, or that “I’m worse than everyone else because I can’t get pregnant”. But then it turns out that Nature – over which we have no control – should not define who you are. er.
“No one is good or bad at getting pregnant,” says Mari firmly.
She repeats that as often as she can, until it becomes the truth.
Both advantages and disadvantages of openness
Whether you want to be open about your own experiences is entirely up to you. You have to feel what is right for you. If you feel like keeping the trial process private, Mari Heger has 5 tips for you.
1. Clear your mind.
Either by saying them out loud or by writing them down. It's easier to gain a new perspective on thoughts if we get them out of our own head and see them from a distance.
2. Talk to your partner about sharing with others.
What's holding you back? And what would be nice to share?
3. Choose a few
Start by making a list of the relationships you trust. Choose a few with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. It doesn't have to be many.
4. Become aware of your own limits and needs
What is okay to say? What will you wait to say – or not say at all?
5. Create a short version and a long version
Create a short and a long version of what you have experienced and what you are thinking. It makes it easier to tell.
Lene and Tonje chose to involve fewer people when they were about to start their 3rd attempt.
– It was It's hard to talk about the attempts that didn't work.At the same time, it was important to have someone close who we could talk to, so that we weren't completely alone, says Lene.
Tonje emphasizes that it is important to be generous with those who are in trials, and not expect to be kept constantly informed.
– It's tough to involve others in what you do and feel, but it's also really nice. It might be a good idea to manage their expectations and explain that they don't need to ask. You tell them when you're ready, she says.
