What is it like to be a co-mother?
The term "co-mother" may sound foreign to many. But mother Tonje Frøystad Garvik has strong opinions about her role towards the child in her boyfriend's womb.
Lene Sleperud and Tonje Frøystad Garvik first became known as the "Farmen couple" in 2018. As a public couple, they constantly receive comments and questions from strangers on social media. Many are pleasant. Some are unnecessary.
Good enough as a co-mother?
After it became known that Lene was pregnant in April 2021, the comment sections were abuzz. Inboxes were flooded with prejudices and questions:
“How can two women make a baby on their own?” “There’s a reason why there are both men and women?” “Poor children who have to grow up without a father.” “How selfish.” “Your child will never be okay.”
– The comments we get as lesbian parents hurt, because what is greater than the fear that you can't make your child happy? That your child will need something more than you, which you will never be able to give: being a dad? It hits a fear of not being good enough, says Tonje.
Creating a child outside the womb
The research confirms what Tonje and Lene really know: that they er enough as two mothers. The love for the child is what is most crucial for it to be happy.
A mother's love for Max is inexhaustible. And is there one thing Tonje is absolutely certain that they are both equally important to her son.
– External influences are 50% of the child's identity. Even though it is Lene's biological genes, I am involved in creating the child - after it is born. I am involved in shaping the interpersonal relationship. Gives him security and lays the foundation for life. Sometimes it can be more important than genes, she says.
Lene shares her boyfriend's opinion.
– Those who comment may not consider that the children who are born through assisted reproduction are planned and wanted. And that they will receive just as much love as children of heterosexuals, says Lene.
Tonje, who constantly immerses herself in new research reports, adds:
– Research shows that children born to same-sex parents have just as happy lives as those born to heterosexual parents.
Took the stomach into his own hands
The couple knows that it is normal for a co-mother to feel fear. Will she feel the same strong love for children who are not her biological children?
The uncertainty is apparently just as great for heterosexual couples who need assisted fertilization with a donor.
Tonje decided early on to make an effort to establish a close bond with the child.
– I myself felt the fear of not feeling as much for a child who was not biologically mine. That's why I became aware of stroking and feeling my belly, just like Lene. Then maybe I would feel closer to the baby, she says.
Ultimately, it's about how much you invest and engage in the pregnancy, both emotionally and physically.
Tonje's efforts yielded results.
– The fact that I have been involved in the pregnancy and felt the kicks has awakened a great maternal instinct in me. For me, it feels like there will be no difference. I already have feelings for him, says Tonje.
Lene greatly appreciates the commitment her boyfriend shows.
– It is a great support for me that Tonje is as committed and interested in the experience as I am. It feels like we are both pregnant and going through this together, says Lene.
Tonje next mother out
Lene and Tonje want another child, and Tonje will carry it.
– We ordered enough sperm from the same donor to have biological siblings, says Tonje, adding with a twinkle in her eye:
– But now partner donation is legal, so if Lene wants to get pregnant again, she is most welcome to try my eggs.
The proposal is not immediately adopted, but Lene is willing to step in again if the need arises.
– One of the advantages of us being two girls is that Tonje can also get pregnant. So she should be allowed to have that round herself. But if it turns out that she can't get pregnant, I'll do it again, of course, says Lene.
Family planning has probably been considered, revised and accepted.
– No, then. I'm going into the fire myself, says Tonje.
