Therefore, Mari became an important supporter
“Hi, it’s Mari.” The voice that first met Tonje Frøystad Garvik and Lene Sleperud at Medicus belonged to fertility coach Mari Fevaag Heger. They didn’t know it then, but her words would follow them through expectations, disappointments, hope, sorrow – and joy.
When Lene and Tonje, who became known as the "Farmen couple" in 2018, contacted Medicus, they were really just going to check their fertility status.
On the phone they met Mari. A warm and energetic conversation partner who helps couples and singles understand and accept the tangle of emotions that often arise during an IVF process.
As a conversation partner and coach, Mari makes the process easier, both for the head and the heart.
Many people already know Mari – from her Instagram account. @fertilitycoach. There she generously shares advice and her own experiences – and showers her 5 followers with a commitment to the normalization of assisted reproduction.
Lene and Tonje immediately got on well with the person from Trøndelag.
– Mari was so nice. The way she welcomed us, the way she listened to us and facilitated – it meant so much, says Tonje.
Lene adds affirmatively:
– We felt safe from the very beginning.
Egg insert on the big screen
After fertility tests, the couple found that Lene had lower ovarian function than Tonje. They therefore decided to start treatment – children were not to be expected. Lene was the first woman out.
Find out more about the fertility check that kicked things off
Two weeks and a course of hormones later, they stared anxiously at the screen in the gynecologist's chair. 10 eggs were retrieved – and then frozen, as Lene's progesterone levels had risen too early. In order to have a successful pregnancy, it is important that the level of this hormone is correct.
Therefore, Lene and Tonje had to wait a full cycle before a fertilized egg could be placed in the uterine lining. Then they just had to wait for the egg to attach and the embryo to start growing.
Mari assured them that there was nothing they could do now. Now it was up to the embryo itself. A truth that was easy to hear, but difficult to accept.
Lene quickly became concerned that anything she did would prevent further development.
– I sent Tonje many, many messages: Can I swim? Can I run? Even though Mari had already asked me to live and exercise as normal, I walked around, tensing all my muscles, doing squats and hoping that the egg would attach, Lene says.
The mistake that made the decline steeper
Since the egg was now fertilized and in exactly the right place, Lene and Tonje almost expected that they would become pregnant. They talked about the future, about a life with children, about what it would be like. Would it be a boy or a girl? What name would the child be given?
– “Now I have to be careful. I'm pregnant.” That's what I thought from the start, says Lene.
The couple gave up wine, snuff, unpasteurized cheeses and cured meats.
– It was the biggest mistake we made: living as if Lene was pregnant while we waited to take a pregnancy test, says Tonje.
The anticipation and joy built up towards the day the test was to be taken – exactly 10 days after the egg was inserted. Lene didn't sleep. Tonje was shaking.
When the pregnancy test showed only one faint line, the disappointment became tough to deal with.
– I don't think I've ever been so sad. I felt an enormous sense of despair and hopelessness that it didn't work. I've never had a miscarriage, but when the egg didn't implant, I definitely felt that I had lost something., says Lene.
Then it was good to lean on Mari at Medicus.
– For many, a negative pregnancy test can be experienced as the loss of a pregnancy. A dream that is shattered. This loss can trigger grief. And that grief must be processed, she explains.
When uncertainty and fear come out as anger
Dealing with grief is an exercise that many find demanding. When it feels easiest to close yourself off, the best course of action is to open up.
Often several other emotions interfere, such as fear and uncertainty.
– I thought it was challenging to say that I was afraid of being inadequate. Saying, "I'm afraid I won't be able to have a child. I'm afraid I'm not enough," says Lene.
She was ashamed of her feelings and kept them bottled up. But they came out anyway – as anger and aggression.
– I have a hard time showing emotions, so when I get disappointed and sad, it more often comes out as anger than as crying.
Therefore, it was important to find a language for what was going on insideBecause what was difficult for Lene wasn't necessarily what Tonje felt.
Mari gave them tools to find a common language, and it helped them.
Wanted to give up
The lesson would prove useful to the couple – sooner than they wanted. Because the second attempt also failed to result in pregnancy, and now all the eggs they had retrieved were used up.
So they had to embark on a new, demanding injection treatment – and The baby dream was postponed once again.
– We had to start all over again. But this time, fortunately, we were able to talk more about it, says Lene.
– We probably learned a lot from the first round. That time there was a lot of anger and aggression. In the second round we were able to communicate and comfort each other to a greater extent, Tonje adds.
But at this time Doubts also began to appear.
– I just wanted to give up. I felt that I had neither the patience nor the motivation to do more, especially since everything looked so good in the last round. The road from top to bottom was so short, and I began to question whether it was worth it. Whether I could do it all over again, says Lene.
Then Mari was good to have. She reassured them that as long as Medicus didn't say "stop", they had Lene still has a good chance of getting pregnant.
– It wasn't easy to think positively every day, but we had many nice conversations with Mari. It's not unusual to need more attempts, so we kept trying. The clinic has much more experience than us, says Tonje.
– Maybe it will work this time?
They didn't realize it yet, but they were finally inside. his last round. However, things didn't start out so rosy. This time too, Lene's progesterone levels rose too early. So the eggs had to be frozen again.
– We had been through freezing experiments before, so now we were more prepared for it to happen. This way the path from the top to the basement was not so steep, says Lene.
This time they chose to solve it by taking Lene in a so-called artificial menopause.
The treatment worked. 4 eggs were successfully retrieved and frozen.
It was a huge relief. "Lene called and told me when I was on my way home for Christmas break, and the tears started to roll. It was only then that I really realized how much stress it is to be with someone going through IVF," says Tonje.
With 4 eggs out, they knew that there was now at least 8 months until the next attempt. And the likelihood that one of these would hatch was high.
– I felt a sense of relief, and thought, "Maybe it will work this time?", says Lene.
And it did.
